As financial planners, we're fortunate to participate in hundreds of money conversations with our clients each year.
For some couples, money is a natural topic that is easily organized. But for others, money, conversations about it, and subconscious assumptions can be real points of friction.
Money matters can make or break a relationship. Yet, many couples shy away from discussing finances, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. We want to help you and your spouse work together better by understanding each other's "money personality."
In our experience, there are five money questions that will help you better understand your partner's financial history, upbringing, and relationship with money. They might even help you better understand your own money values, too.
Keep reading or watch this video on money conversations to have with your spouse.
Understanding your spouse's financial goals is crucial for aligning your future plans. This includes short-term and long-term goals, such as buying a house, saving for retirement, or traveling.
Here's an example...
John and Lisa had been married for three years, but money was always a sore spot in their relationship. John, an anesthesiologist, was laser-focused on early retirement. He meticulously tracked their expenses, maintained a large emergency fund, and invested aggressively in his 401(k) and their kids' college accounts.
A freelance graphic designer, Lisa felt suffocated by John's strict budgeting. She dreamed of traveling the world and experiencing different cultures but felt guilty whenever she suggested a vacation.
Their arguments about money became more frequent until they decided to sit down and honestly discuss their financial goals. John explained his fear of financial insecurity, stemming from his parents' struggles during the 2008 recession. Lisa shared her desire for a more balanced life, emphasizing the importance of creating memories through travel.
After understanding each other's perspectives, they crafted a plan that satisfied both. They agreed to allocate a portion of their income to a "travel fund" while still maintaining aggressive retirement savings. This compromise allowed Lisa to plan exciting trips without guilt, while John felt secure knowing they were still on track for retirement.
Their newfound financial harmony brought them closer as a couple, and they even started planning annual "financial check-in retreats" to ensure they remained aligned.
Knowing your partner's debt situation is essential as it impacts your shared financial future. Discuss any student loans, credit card debt, or other financial obligations.
Picture this...
Sarah and Mike had been dating for two years when they decided to move in together. They were excited about this new chapter but hadn't yet had a serious conversation about their finances. Sarah, a cardiology fellow, was proud of her frugal lifestyle and had managed to save a decent emergency fund. She assumed Mike, a marketing executive with a higher salary, was equally responsible with money.
A month after moving in, Sarah was shocked to discover a pile of unopened credit card statements in Mike's desk drawer. When confronted, Mike reluctantly admitted to having over $30,000 in credit card debt. He explained that he had been trying to maintain a lifestyle he couldn't afford, partly to impress Sarah in the early days of their relationship.
The revelation led to a major fight, with Sarah feeling betrayed and questioning Mike's honesty. Trust issues began to seep into other aspects of their relationship. After a few tense weeks, they realized they needed to address the problem head-on.
They sat down together and went through Mike's debts in detail. Sarah was hurt but appreciated Mike's honesty and willingness to change. Together, they created a debt repayment plan. Mike took on a part-time job on weekends, and they both cut back on non-essential expenses. Sarah even offered to contribute to the debt repayment, viewing it as an investment in their future together.
This experience taught them the importance of financial transparency. They implemented regular "money dates" to discuss their finances openly. Over time, as they tackled the debt together, their relationship grew stronger, built on a foundation of trust and shared financial goals.
Our upbringing significantly influences our financial habits. Discuss how each partner was raised regarding money, including attitudes toward saving, spending, and financial security.
Example...
Emily and Tom had been married for a year but constantly bickered about money. Emily grew up in a frugal household where her parents clipped coupons, bought second-hand clothes, and rarely ate out. She learned to save every penny and felt anxious about spending money, even on necessities.
On the other hand, Tom came from a family that believed in "living in the moment." His parents took lavish vacations, bought new cars regularly, and never hesitated to spend on the latest gadgets. While they weren't irresponsible, they prioritized experiences and material comforts over saving.
Their different approaches to money were attractive when they were dating. Tom liked Emily's responsibility with money, and she felt excited by his willingness to spend and enjoy it. But over time, as they began to merge their finances, their different upbringings led to constant friction.
Emily would panic when Tom suggested a weekend getaway, while Tom felt frustrated by Emily's reluctance to enjoy their hard-earned money. The tension came to a head when Tom bought a new MacBook without consulting Emily, leading to a big argument.
Realizing they needed to understand each other better, they decided to share stories about their childhood experiences with money. Emily explained how her parents' frugality stemmed from financial hardships they faced early in their marriage. Tom shared how his parents' spending habits were a reaction to their own childhood poverty.
This conversation was eye-opening for both. The discomfort with the other's "money personality" showed up as fear. Tom was afraid Emily would be controlling and never allow him to enjoy the fruit of his work. Emily felt fear at the risk of being financially insecure again.
They realized their attitudes towards money were deeply ingrained but not necessarily the only way to approach finances. They decided to create a spending plan that balanced saving and spending, allocating funds for both security (to ease Emily's anxiety) and experiences (to satisfy Tom's desire to enjoy life).
They also started a tradition of "financial storytelling," where they'd share a money-related memory from their past each month. This practice helped them better understand each other's perspectives and made financial discussions less confrontational and more empathetic.
Leisure spending can be a source of conflict if not discussed. Understanding each other's spending habits on hobbies and entertainment can prevent future disagreements.
Here's what this can look like in practice...
Mark and Anna had been happily married for five years, but their different approaches to leisure spending were starting to cause tension. Mark was an avid golfer who didn't think twice about spending money on new clubs, green fees, or golf trips with his buddies. While supportive of Mark's hobby, Anna felt guilty about spending money on herself and preferred to save for family vacations.
The issue came to a head when Mark announced he was going on a week-long golf trip to Scotland with his friends. Anna was upset, not just because of the cost, but because she felt she never indulged in her own interests to the same extent.
Recognizing the need for a change, they sat down to discuss their leisure spending. They realized they had never really discussed how much they were comfortable spending on personal hobbies and entertainment.
Mark and Anna decided to implement a "fun money" system. Each month, they would each get an equal amount of money to spend on whatever they wanted, no questions asked. This allowed Mark to continue enjoying golf without feeling guilty and encouraged Anna to invest in her interests, like photography classes and spa days.
They also agreed to set aside money for shared experiences, like family vacations. This balanced approach meant that both individual and family needs were met. Mark still got to go on his golf trip to Scotland, but they took a family vacation to Italy the following year, fulfilling Anna's travel dreams.
This new system not only resolved their leisure spending conflicts but also made them more understanding and supportive of each other's interests. They found joy in seeing each other pursue their passions without the burden of financial guilt or resentment.
Discussing how to manage finances as a couple is crucial. Decide whether to have joint or separate accounts, how to split bills, and who manages the budget.
Take inspiration from this story...
Jane and Rob were married later in their careers, and each enjoyed a level of financial stability. Rob had a successful orthodontia practice while Jane was an attending physician at a local hospital. Six months after the wedding, their financial arrangement was causing stress. They hadn't explicitly discussed managing their money together, leading to confusion and occasional arguments.
Jane, who earned less than Rob, felt uncomfortable whenever she asked him for money to cover her share of lifestyle expenses. On the other hand, Rob felt burdened being the "household accountant," always reminding Jane about bills and keeping track of who owed what.
The situation came to a head when they missed the deposit on their trip to Europe because each thought the other had paid it. They realized they needed a better system.
After researching different methods, they decided on a three-account system: one joint account for household expenses and two individual accounts for personal spending. They would contribute to the joint account proportionally based on their incomes, ensuring fairness despite their earnings gap.
They also decided to use a budgeting app where they could both see their shared expenses and savings goals. They set up automatic transfers to the joint account on payday, eliminating the need for awkward money requests.
To address the issue of financial management, they agreed to have monthly "money meetings." During these sessions, they would review their budget, discuss any upcoming significant expenses, and adjust their financial plans as needed. They took turns leading these meetings, ensuring both felt equally involved in their financial decisions.
This new system transformed their financial relationship. Jane no longer felt like she was asking for handouts, and Rob was relieved of the sole responsibility of managing their money. The transparency and shared responsibility brought them closer and made them feel like true partners in their financial journey.
Understanding your spouse's financial perspective is crucial for a harmonious relationship. By addressing these five key questions, you can gain insight into each other's money personalities and work together more effectively towards your shared financial future.
Remember, these conversations should happen regularly as your financial situations and goals evolve. Open, honest, and frequent communication about money can strengthen your relationship and help you build a secure financial future together.
And if you need help, our team of financial planners is knowledgeable in behavioral finance and would love to help you make a plan for financial and relational success.
So, why not set aside some time this week to start these critical money conversations with your spouse? Your marriage — and your bank account — will thank you!
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Shane Tenny is the managing partner of Spaugh Dameron Tenny. Along with hosting the Prosperous Doc® podcast, Shane has a true passion for behavioral finance, helping clients and audiences understand how to develop successful strategies based on their unique temperaments. An accomplished and highly engaging speaker, Shane is regularly interviewed for television and podcasts, is actively involved in the Financial Planning Association®, and contributes to industry advisory boards.
